OK, I admit, I didn’t really go to church alone this morning. As I’ve said before, I’m rarely alone because we have 3 children. What I mean is we went to church without my husband.
While there are many things the girls and I do without my husband (since he works many of the hours others are off), church is the hardest place to go without him. It seems to go in phases. He’ll be able to attend for many weeks/months in a row and then miss a few weeks/months in a row because of work. Right now it seems to be more miss than hit.
I know chefs are not the only people who have to work on Sunday mornings. I have friends who are married to police officers, fire fighters, doctors, nurses, or any profession that requires traveling, all of whom have probably felt the same way as I do at some point or another.
I was at first reluctant to write this post as I don’t want people to judge my husband, or draw any sort of conclusions about him. However, if you met him and watched him as he interacted with our family, it wouldn’t take very long for you to see his love and dedication to both the Lord and to us.
So with that being said, here’s a glimpse into my evening last night and this morning. This post is about me, not him. It’s about my feelings and what I struggle with. Please don’t judge. 🙂
My chef/husband always calls on the way home from work. It’s actually one of my favorite parts of the day. My cell phone displays my favorite picture of him in his chef coat and it brings a smile to my face as I walk over to answer the phone. We talk for a few minutes about both of our days and then I have an idea when when he will be home.
During the conversation last night, he said he was going to need to go to work in the morning and not going to be able to go to church with us. My heart sank. I tried to hide my disappointment as we talked on the phone, but he knows me too well at this point for me to really hide anything. This morning as we talked as he was getting ready, I could hear it in his voice and see it in his very tired eyes, that he wished he was able to go with us as well. I am grateful for that. I could have a husband who tried to work on purpose each Sunday morning to get out of going to church. However, that is not the case. Sometimes he just has to work. 🙁
I really struggle with disappointment and how to not let this one little thing suck all the joy out of my morning and day. My husband knows this is hard for me. I’m sure he hates having to tell me he as to work the next morning. I think my reaction to the news is better than it was a few years ago (at least I hope so), but you’ll have to double check with him.
I tend to dwell on this and can’t get it out of my mind. Then it affects everything . . . my conversations with my husband, my patience with the girls, etc. Clearly I need to print out Phil. 4:8 and pull it out on mornings like this. “Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.” I need to be letting my mind dwell on something else – a scriputre, a worship song, etc. so that I’m not allowing this to be a distraction.
Then there’s the thought, “What are people going to think?”
Yep. LAME!! Why in the world would I even worry about that. I know that it really doesn’t matter what people think, but I admit, that is one of the first things that comes to mind. (And if you knew my church and the people there, you would think it was even more lame that I was thinking that.)
This became a distraction to me as well. It was a distraction as I rushed to get the girls and I out the door to worship team practice earlier than I expected. It was a distraction as I sang this morning during practice. It was a distraction until a friend/elder at church said this . . . “We serve an audience of One.” (The One, referring to God.)
Ugh! I hate it when I am convicted of something. OK not really. Being convicted of a sin is a good thing. It’s just not easy. I was allowing this to distract me from worshiping God this morning.
God is the only one that matters, not others. I needed the reminder that as I served this morning at church I was there to serve God and should be focusing on Him and not worrying about what others were thinking.
I was convicted of the same thing again during the service by the words of the song “I Give You My Heart” by Reuben Morgan. (I LOVE this song!!)
This is my desire
To honor You
Lord with all my heart
I worship You
All I have within me
I give You praise
All that I adore is in You
Lord I give You my heart
I give You my soul
I live for You alone
Ev’ry breath that I take
Ev’ry moment I’m awake
Lord have Your way in me
All morning I had allowed myself to be distracted by something that didn’t matter, instead of focusing on the Someone who does matter, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. This morning God used His Word, a worship song and a friend to remind me to stay focused on Him and not the fact I was at church by myself.
So now it’s mid-afternoon. We are home and the girls are resting while I write. I am grateful to live in a country where corporate worship is still allowed. I’m grateful for a church that teaches the Word of God without compromise and I’m thankful for the job that God has provided for my husband to supply our physical needs.
If you are reading this and can relate, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below. It’s always nice to hear you’re not alone!